How deep is the water? Are we on a track? Do we end where we started? Ive been a guide long enough to get most of the stupid questions that make some logical sense in the guests minds when they ask but get only a groan and pre-recorded answer form me. Over the past few years Ive come up with cookie cutter answers and will against every logical reason to let you in on a few secrets so youre guide doesnt make you look like an idiot in front of your friends when you ask, If they turn on the water by using a large hose?

Q: How deep is the water?

A: Chest high to a duck, I say or Just above the fishes heads. Seriously I have no idea how deep the water is and most likely Ill just look down a the river bottom like you and take a guess. Sometimes its shallow, other times deep but then again it could be in between. Since this river wasnt built by Wal-Mart I dont know how deep the standard depth is but before I chastise you too much know that Ive asked that question myself after using all my keen observational skills.

Q: Do we end up where we started?

A: Yes when we are done we turn around and paddle back upstream, or Actually the river is in a circle so as long as we dont miss this spot as we go by we will only do it once. I dont know how rafters went to school but I did and for some reason I never learned that rivers went in circles. They go North and South, East and West but in circles? The funny thing is that I hear there is a river in Australia that does no really for real trust me.

Q: Are we on a track?

Yes from the moment we started we have been on a deep water track which is why Im yelling at you right now because you cant paddle. Unless youre Pamela Anderson filming a scene for Baywatch rafts dont run on tracks and use the power of you to get it down the river. This is why guides stress paddling together so much. Without you we would get wet and possibly go swimming, which is on the bottom of our list.

Q: Who turns on the water in the morning? Do they use a hose?

Actually all the guides get together and pee at six a.m. that way we can talk about the day and decide just how much water the river will have. This question comes up mostly when the river is controlled by a dam. The water will lower to fish-flow during the night and then ramp back up in the morning. Most of the time its really a crazy system that the power companies use and has no real rhyme to their reason so dont think about it too hard. If there is enough water you will go rafting otherwise forget it.

Q: Why do guides make fun of us?

A: Because we have nothing better to do and most likely all asked the same questions ourselves but of course cant admit that.