As a Life Coach, I frequently hear the same rationalizations for not changing behavior. "It is too difficult." "I can't do that." I've been saying/doing that all my life. That is just who I am." Ive been this way all my lifeI wouldnt know myself if I changed. Yet, these people desperately want something to change in their lifeexcept having to change themselves. The irony is the fastest way to change your life is to change yourself. Or saying it another wayDoing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. The willingness to challenge oneself to learn new behavior seems to be overshadowed by anxietyfear of failure, skepticism, or pain avoidance. We seem willing to accept personal challenges on other issues, however. Take physical fitness, for example. How many people are out jogging, bicycling, or working out in one way or another to achieve physical fitness? However, how many of these same people are willing to change their behavior for the sake of personal or professional fitness? As a Life Coach, I challenge people to develop their personal and/or professional muscle much the same as they would challenge themselves to develop their physical muscle. Changing behavior or developing personal and/or professional muscle has the same challenges as a physical fitness program. Think back to the time when you started some new exercise activity. At the beginning you werent very proficient your muscles ached and hurt in places where you didnt know you had muscles. If you over-exercised or pushed your endurance, you might even have been in considerable pain. You knew this is normal, however, because you were using your muscles more or different. What you had in mind was to create a physical changelose weight, develop muscle tone, or get in shape. What you got initially was discomfort or pain. And that takes you to a point of a new decisionAm I willing to endure the discomfort or pain until my muscles have adjusted to this new activitypractice, mastery, comfortor will I allow the discomfort or pain to influence my desire for obtaining the goal of physical fitness? The resulting answer determines whether the program is finished and the goal is met. As you continue your exercise program, you gain strength and endurance and achieve a better figure or physique. You finally become comfortable again. The discomfort or pain is gone. You have developed the muscle or strength to maintain the new activity without discomfort or pain. Beginning new behaviors can do the same thing to you emotionally. Remember when you were asked to use a new skill, such as the first time you gave a presentation in class or a meeting? You probably had a conversation with yourself that went something like this: I dont know if I can do it. I might blow it and everyone will laugh or think Im stupid. I wont be able to do it as well as X, Y, or Z. Just as exercising is a physical challenge, any behavior change is an emotional challenge. When confronted with changing behavior or doing something new, you slide out of your emotional comfort zone and find yourself in discomfort or pain. To meet that challenge, you need practice to build up the strength and endurance, which will then bring you to a level of comfort. Why is it painful to begin a new behavior or why do we feel uncomfortable when faced with new challenges? Psychology posits the reason for discomfort or pain is the fear of the unknown. We fear new behaviors because we havent built the emotional muscle to tackle the new behavior. This emotional muscle, just like physical muscle, needs exercise or practice to grow strong. How does one go about building this emotional muscle? Developing new behaviors takes practice and produces discomfort or pain. These are necessary stages to achieving mastery and comfort. The best way to develop emotional muscle is similar to developing physical musclepracticing the behavior to gain experience in a low stress environment. It is like jogging in place in your living room or basement before you begin jogging around the block. You can test your level of endurance and efficiency before exposing yourself to the outside world. By practicing the new behavior with a Life Coach, with a friend or family member, you can get feedback so you can be sure you have the fine points of the new behavior well in place. Thus, you begin building or strengthening your endurance and have some mastery of the behavior before you take it into the world. When you practice you are in fact doing something different than before, although it is in a protected environment. Thus, you have experience from which to build your strength for future performances. When faced with situations you find emotionally uncomfortable, painful or difficult, approach them with the awareness that it is OK to be uncomfortable. Remember you will become comfortable with familiarity and practice. The more you do difficult presentations or use new behavior, the more comfortable you will become. The sense of accomplishment you felt when you mastered a sport or achieved your goal (losing weight, getting in shape) after physical activities also applies to developing emotional muscle. You can feel good about having met the challenge of learning a new behavior. You have grown. As in physical fitness programs, you are stretching, developing, and strengthening the most important muscles you haveyour emotional muscles. |
